Hey Jen, guess what!?
I know! Isn't that amazing! The miracle of life is taking place right now inside of my soon-to-be-distended stomach! I think I might already be craving pickles, lol!
How did it happen? Well the hell if I know! I guess it probably started about a week ago when I was basting my cervix with the semen of this really intriguing garage mechanic in exchange for a tire rotation. His name was... oh shit isn't this funny, I can't even remember! Something with an R... like Rick or Rachmaninoff... hmmm... oh you know what it doesn't even matter. He has this bizarre moustache and he reminded me of grandpa so I just had to take him into me.
Anyways, you remember how we used to camp out in my "Lil' Bitch Goes Camping" tent that I got for christmas that one year when the "Lil Bitch" dolls were so popular? Ok, now that was fun, ha! But seriously, remember how us girls would all bet on which one of us would be the first to have cute lil beby? Ok, remember how we all agreed that whoever was pregnant first gets to raid the wardrobe of all the others? It's me!
So for starters I want that top that you wore to Islands that night when you made out with that crippled foreign guy. Yes, the one with the hummingbird feeder print! You bitch, don't pretend like you threw it away just because you want to keep it, hahaha! Ok, and also, since I'm sooo preggers and soon I'm gonna be like, a blimp, I need to borrow some of your shoes. Why? Because you have such big feet, and like, I'm sure my dainty geisha toes will retain water once I start having this beautiful beby growing inside of my womb!
Ok, also, if you aren't busy on Thursday, I want you to help me design "I'm preggers" cards to send out to all the gals at the office, so that they can be like sooo jealous. Hey, I wonder if my beby will be a president of the united states? No Jen I don't mean that stupid fucking band with that bald guy that talks about peaches and lumps, or whatever. That guy is a pervert, ew!
Hold on a second I'm going to go to the bathroom, I think being so preggers has made me have to take a really nasty girl shet, tee hee hee!
JENNNNNN THERE IS BLOOD EVERYWHERREEE!!!!!!!
Jennn!!! *snifflez* I was pooping, and then all of a sudden, I, I pushed really hard, and this big sack of blood came out of my cooter! It smelled like sea water, and inside of it, oh my god, I could swear I saw a little hand! No I'm serious! Oh my god nooo.... my beeebbbbyyyyyy!!!!!!!! My beeebbbyyyyy!!!!!!
And... *sniff* - and I dug through the blood mess, and there was a filter from a Salem in there, and like, I could swear I felt some little bones when I tried to dig it out!!! Nooooo!!!!! My beebbbbyyy!!!!!
Hahaha, you stupid betch you started crying like we were in 3rd grade again!! Haaa!!! No stupid, I just took a really bloody, tough dump, and some like, snot or something came out of my cooter and it gave me the idea. Oh man, what a laugh!!
But seriously, help me make this fucking beby announcment or I'll flip out at you.