Monday, January 21, 2008

Tyler Perry Writes His Name on Everything, Pisses Me Off

"Tyler Perry's Ass-Slut"

Those are the words that Tyler Perry writes on his wife's asshole before violating it with his disgusting dong, upon which is a tattoo that reads "Tyler Perry's Penis".

When he's done, Tyler Perry wipes off his wife's ass with a towel that is embroidered with the words "Tyler Perry's Cum Rag". Then he goes to the door labeled "Tyler Perry's Bathroom" and pees all over "Tyler Perry's Toilet".

After this, he goes downstairs to "Tyler Perry's Fridge" and makes a sandwich. When his wife comes downstairs and asks for a sandwich, he makes one for her, puts a big sticky label on it that says "Tyler Perry Presents: Turkey Sandwich" and then gives it to his wife, whose name, by the way, has been legally changed to "Tyler Perry's Boo".

Now that you have lived a night in the life of Tyler Perry, you may be tempted to ask yourself "who the hell is this man, and why does he put his name all over everything" Well you aren't alone, millions across this great nation are asking the same thing every day, as more and more things labeled "Tyler Perry's ___" pop up. Examples are films like "Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married?", "Tyler Perry's Diary of a Mad Black Woman", "Tyler Perry's Daddy's Little Girls", "Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns", "Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail", and a television show, "Tyler Perry's House of Payne".

So you see what I mean now, the man cannot keep his name off of anything. Usually, this sort of name labeling is reserved for movies that are 1) imported foreign films presented by a famous native film maker, (as in "Quentin Tarantino Presents: Beyblades, The Musical") or when a famous author has written it (as in "John Carpenter's Vampires). But conventional reasons have nothing to do with Tyler Perry's excessive name writing.

You see, Tyler Perry has a brilliant idea. He knows that nobody has any fucking clue who he is, nor do they care, but this is something that Tyler cannot stand for. So, a few years ago, he decided to take a stand, buy a label maker, and began putting his name on everything he possibly could. Before the world knew it, over half of the land in the greater Atlanta area was owned and labelled by Tyler Perry. A year later, he owned all of Chicago. Already plans are in the works to change Times Square in New York City to "Tyler Perry's Times Square, NY."

I interviewed Tyler Perry's mother, Belinda Perry, and asked her "why does your son feel compulsed to take over the world by writing his name all over the place? How did this start"?

Her response to me was this:

"As a boy, Tyler was always hungry. He was so hungry that I used to call him lil' hungry piggy, and he used to get into it and snort and roll around askin' for food. One day, Tyler got so hungry that started eatin' people's food out of the fridge! I caught him one day and said 'Tyler! Gimme that sandwich boy, who said you allowed to eat that? Does this sandwich have yo damn name on it, child?' and he said 'no it doesn't, but if it did, then could I eat it'? I said, 'I suppose you could'. Next day, I come home, every food item in the whole damn house got "Tyler Perry" written on it in crayon. The day after that, he ran away, and I never saw him again, but I saw his signature everywhere I looked. It didn't take but a week before the whole town was owned by him! Tyler Perry's Bus stop, Tyler Perry's Town Hall, Tyler Perry Presents: Kennedy Highschool, and so on..."

After my interview with Belinda Perry, I realized what we had on our hands here is not just a playwrite/filmmaker with mediocre talents and an intense love for his own name. No, we have a complete maniac who will not stop until he has claimed every single part of the world. If we do not stop Tyler Perry now, it will only be a matter of time before entire continents are renamed things like "Tyler Perry Presents: Australia, the Land Down Under". In 10 years time, if Tyler Perry is left unchecked, every single man, woman, and child will be forced to adopt the prefix "Tyler Perry's".

Imagine asking your mother for dinner and being forced by copyright law to say "Tyler Perry Presents: Mom, when is Tyler Perry Presents: dinner going to be ready?" or "Tyler Perry Presents: Father, can Tyler Perry Presents: Jimmy sleep over tonight?"

"Yes son, if Tyler Perry Presents: Jimmy's Parents make sure it's ok with Tyler Perry first".

Children will kneel down in front of their beds every night and pray to Tyler Perry Presents: God. When countries have a dispute, they will settle it with Tyler Perry Presents: War. If you so much as murmur a bad word about Tyler Perry or the fact that his name is everywhere, he will appear at your house and you will experience Tyler Perry Presents: beating the shit out of you with Tyler Perry's Boots.

I urge the world, we must stop Tyler Perry now, before it's too late, or before you know it, you won't be able to take a dump without having to write "Tyler Perry Presents: your turds" all over it.


Anonymous said...

Amen x 1-million. Who the hell is this guy, and does he realize I don't watch his shit cause I am way past annoyed with his Self-Branding!

Anonymous said...

i totally agree with you! refuse to watch anything that starts with Tyler whats his face perry

Anonymous said...

Hilarious, my thoughts exactly, only It wasn't as funny when I thought it.

Anonymous said...

I'm so relieved to see others feel the way I do about this no talent ego-maniac.
The way I see it, his concept of trying to make a name for himself is simply put his name on everything he has a hand in. What I can't believe is how all of the movie studios and TBS allow this. What if all of the movie and TV show producers and/or writers insisted on doing this?
And (this may sound racist), why is it this way with most black artists? (Spike Lee does this as well).
But it's evident in the hip-hop / rap scene as well.
Look at how many songs have ridiculously long credits. ("Booty Shaker" by Lil' Wayne featuring Lil' Trashy and Lil' So and So).
Where will it end?

Anonymous said...

the truth is that the folks that see his movies are too stupid to know they're his so he has to put his name in front of all his stuff. if not, his fans wouldn't go see them. he knows this. he knows the stupidity of his target demographic. it sounds egotistical on his part but it's just good business.

Anonymous said...

I know exactly how you feel, god damn, it's so annoying. I think that feels if his name is on everything his small dick won't seem to matter at all. But really, I think that the only reason he does so is because it panders to African American viewers, but if his name and face isn't on it, well they might think that a bunch of corporate executives are trying to pander to them, aka "the man" so they would much rather have one of their own, or at least someone of their race make money off them. He's milking his success way too much, it's pathetic, if he did it for like two GOOD movies I'd find it ok but other wise, it's just pathetic.

Anonymous said...

get a fuckin life! its ppl like you that just wanna make ppl scream! here you are downing a man that has came from nothing to everything..he has build himself up from scratch. he did all that unlike u whos probably had everything handed to you. you must not have a life HE DESREVES TO PUT HIS NAME ON IT SHIT HE CREATED IT!, HE WROTE IT!, HIS IDEA!, HES GONNA TAKE CREDIT FOR IT!! JUST LIKE YOU IF YOU BUY SONMETHING AND ARE PROUD OF IT YOU WOULD DO THE SAME!...DAMN GET OFF HIS NUTS!!!! THATS PROBABLY WHATS WRONG WITH YOU YOU PROBABLY WANT SOME OF TYLER PERRY'S NUTS IN YA MOUTH!!! I LOVE TYLER PERRY!! SO HEY GET A JOB

Anonymous said...

ok point number one is that all of these films and shows suck, i do enjoy lots of "black shows" but these are the worst of the lot. This is all part of the larger issue ponder this, if i started the counter to the NAACP and called it the NAAWP it would be the hottest new push button issue.

kyonde said...

Do I hear the little green monster rearing her/his ugly head???

I'm sure if you guys who are tired of hearing and seeing Tyler's name on everything have not yet had anything important, impressive, nor successful enough to attach your name to. I'm sorry that your life hasn't been as fulfilling as you would have liked, but can we still support brother Tyler Perry for all that God has blessed him with. There is a Gospel song that's entitled "God's Got a Blessing With Your Name On It". When we pack lunch for work, we put our name on our lunch bag, we label our children's clothes and items when they go off to school or camp. My point is that, IT'S HIS GIFT, IT'S HIS PROPERTY,why not label it with his NAME.

I hope that you guys experience some peace about your own lives and perhaps even decide to spend more time trying to reach your goals so that you can put your name on something worth wild that you've accomplished.

God Bless and I wish you all well with your endeavors.

Monica said...

Hello again-
I'm the creator of the ugly green monster observation.

I forgot to mention how proud I am of him because he's from my home town of New Orleans, LA. I'm certain that you haters have never live there therefore not having a clue of what he had to overcome to accomplish what he has accomplished. For heaven sakes, he created this from nothing. Some of the opinions that his work "sucks" obviously isn't important when factoring his success. Apparently "yall lose", enough people like it to cause him to be successful beyond your imagination.

Well, best of luck to the empty ones.

Kind regards,

zak said...

I know i'm a little late on this blog but i feel the exact same way as the author. All the 2 people saying hes amazing and you would too, what about all the other famous people in the world that are way more successful and have better works you know them and they don't do that. You know them because of their reputation not because they put their name on their stuff.

Darrin said...

I am so appauled at this author whoever you are and also at some of your negative responders who with having NO shame "anonymously" (of course) added to your condesending treachery regarding TYLER PERRY's success. To the author; I'm assuming you must be a very lonely person with nothing better to do than point your finger at other people who have done nothingto you. & lets not even focus on gender or race here b/c its more than obvious that you potentially have a problem with a "black MAN" being successful. Then you have the audacity to drag the poor man's mother into it - and racially charge her with having bad english to boot?! And that also even goes for if an interview really occured. Who the HELL do you think you are friend? I'm thinking you probably need to get a life and try again at whatever it is you must've failed in doing. Its obvious that Tyler hasn't, therefore you make him the focus of what you don't have or haven't accomplished? & To the other folks here with your nasty words regarding demographics, black ppl, who they are and that they're stupid; woah be unto you for saying such nasty things! Pls get in line with Mr. Author and try again!

This is America for cryin out loud ppl!! Land of the Free, Home of the brave. Its a place where anyone, no matter who they are can become who and whatever it is they so choose! Leave Tyler alone. He has more money and fame than most ppl can ever dream or imagine having after starting with nothing! Face it, the man has enough money to buy all of who's posted here, including myself. Trust me, I'm sure when he wakes up every morning, after having a nice hot cup of "Tyler Perry Presents; coffee" can careless what ppl like YOU think about HIM or what he does! Let's just say by chance if he were to write anyone of us a Tyler Perry Presents; check for
100k, I'm sure he could with the greatest of ease! I'm also more than sure we'd all be willing to take his "Tyler Perry Presents; Black, Stupid, horrible movies, Money too hunh?!

Tylers name is "Branded". If you knew anything about "show business", you'd know that's WHY he and other succesful ppl use their names. Thus, meaning when they do use them its generally b/c they have to not b/c they just want to.

"Ignorance is Bliss" for some ppl in this country! I don't get it...

Anonymous said...

guess what? don't watch his stuff then, if it pisses you off.
others will.

Anonymous said...

Screw Tyler Perry. Admittedly I've never watched any of his films or tv shows for two reasons.

First, I hate self promotion of any kind. I don't care who you are, what race you are, or where you came from. If you put your name in front of everything you do then you are a douche. What if everyone did this? Could you image.......George Lucas's Star Wars or Christopher Nolan's Inception. I really hate this douche.

The second reason involves intelligence. I've seen the many previews of his work and maybe it's just me but I'm not seeing anything ingenious about his ideas. Nothing that hasn't been done before by Eddie Murphy or Martin Lawrence. I refuse to watch something that is created for the lowest common denominator to get cheap laughs from those not smart enough to know better. I hate this man and all of his troll followers.

Anonymous said...


Please pull the insect out of your arse. I don't care if Tyler Perry is black or white, I get pretty darned tired of seeing a person's name in front of every eff'n show, which in my mind is not branding but certainly is megolomania. I thought the article was damn funny. Get over it, pc officer!

Anonymous said...

well, TYLER PERRY has you ALL talking about him, so he's done what he's set out to do. Keep talking you fools....LOL!!

Anonymous said...

I have always disliked the self promotion and thought of it as egotistical an unnecessary. I put off watching these movies because of this. Eventually my friend wanted to see a few so I watched. They were just movies to me. The main difference was that the majority of the cast was black instead of white. Another difference was that in mostly white films there is one black person. In his films there are more than a few white people. Not a huge difference. Both have high quality film and actors and editting. Like I said I don't like self promotion. I am a white guy. Maybe it did have something to do with why I didnt want to go see them right away. I cant be sure. Im certainly a very well mannered person and I never descriminate but I think we can all agree that it feels different when on vacation or visiting somewhere where we are the only one of our ethnicity. Imagine how a black person would feel going to the movies in this country with them all being... so white? haha. I dont agree with his name on everything but thats his choice. Im glad he is successful. It is more than anything I will probably ever do.

Anonymous said...

He wants to b like trump, but His shit sucks and should not make money

Anonymous said...

Perry's stuff is total shit. You would never hear Bill Cosby say "Hey Camille, break out the Jello Pudding, House of Payne is on".

Anonymous said...

Tyler Perry is a sellout! He makes Black people look stupid, like buffoons for the sake of the almighty buck! Why doesnt he portray Blacks in a more positive manner like Spike Lee and Bill Cosby? You know why? Because nobody would watch his crappy movies or tv shows. He exploits and depends on low level mentality Blacks to make money. Truly pathetic.