Thursday, February 14, 2008

Hating The Success of Others

It's been a proud tradition of mine to childishly slander and tear down people who have found ridiculous amounts of success. Whether or not they deserve this success is not really up to me, but whether or not I choose to attack them for it definitely is... and I choose to, if for no other reason than because I find it funny.

Lets start with Shia Lebeouf.


1. Shia Lebeouf: I'm not sure what bothers me more about Shia, his ridiculous first and last names or his role in that piece of shit movie "Disturbia", which I had the displeasure of watching inside an un-air-conditioned bungalow in Studio City last summer. Lebeouf's screen presence in the film is much like his name- confusing at first, and then just bad when further examined.

According to Wikipedia, "The name Shia is Hebrew for "gift from God" and the surname LaBeouf is a variation of "le boeuf," the French term for "the ox" or "the beef."

... in other words, god gave the world a gift, and it was a piece of beef.

Mysteriously, Stephen Spielberg has a crush on Shia Lebeouf, and has cast him in the new Indiana Jones. Apparently he will be playing a character named "Mutt the Greaser", who will be Indiana's youthful, sassy companion, providing comedic banter between the two. I'm pretty sure I would rather just watch a geriatric Indiana Jones shuffle around a retirement community and forget things for 2 1/2 hours than be forced to see him deal with Shia Lebeouf's "comedic banter" for even a minute.

2. Whoever is making "Date Movie", "Epic Movie", and "Meet the Spartans".

I strongly suspect that this series of films was written by a ventriloquist and his puppet, because that is about the caliber of humor that we are dealing with here. In fact, these films would be far better if they were performed entirely by dummys instead of the community theater actors that the producers paid in foodstamps to play characters as cliche to parody as Britney Spears or Borat.

I have been told that in "Meet the Spartans", over 3/4's of the entire movie is spent kicking various pop-culture figures down the pit depicted on the above poster in an painfully overt reference to "300". In fact, I would bet the life of a therapy dog that the entire pitch for this movie was "imagine if king Leonidas from 300 kicked Britney Spears down a well! Hahaha? yea you like it? Then maybe she can kick Bono down the well! Hahaha, then Simon Cowell!"

You think you're funny, writer of "Meet the Spartans?" Why don't you try picking on somebody whose humor is as terrible as yours is, perhaps the show "Scrubs" or maybe "Malcolm in the Middle"? Even I don't bother making fun of Britney, and that's a lot coming from a dude that spends his time trying to think of ways to make Shia Lebeouf's name look stupider than it already is (see above) and rubbing Kanye West's mother's death in his face (see below).

What's sad about this isn't just that somebody wasted their money making this worthless trilogy of trash, it's that these movies actually made money at the box office. I was fooled once by "Date Movie", as many people were. The crime is that people have been tricked two more times into paying ten dollars to watch what amounts to a comedy play written by a third grader that watches E! all day. Fool me once, ventriloquist, shame on me, but I'll be fucking damned if you are going to trick me into watching you parody "Spider Man 3" and "The Apprentice" in the same retarded sketch.

3. Dating Shows

Good fucking god, if I have to sit through another rehash of "Flavor of Love" that features some other washed up, diabetes stricken, overweight, drunk celebrity looking for love in a pack of lesbians, drug addled strippers, midgets who can't swim, and bi-polar reality stars I'm going to kill somebody. How many times do we need to see the same dregs of society making out with eachother, getting drunk, giving their pitiful insight into the ways of love, and then throwing up on the host and getting kicked out of the house? It's the same fucking thing every week!

Ok, the first two times was pretty funny, everyone knows that. But after the 14th "Rock of Love" and "I Love New York Mystery Edition: Who Gave New York AIDS?", the joke got pretty old. Now they even give dating shows to people that were contestants on other reality shows.

Prime example: the weird Italian guy from "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila", who won the challenge where the contestants tried to see who could push a baseball bat furthest into Tila's gaping asshole before another Middle Eastern man sent her a picture of himself masturbating and choking himself on Myspace. This victory, somehow, allowed "Domenico" to get his own show where women inexplicably compete for his affection, despite the fact that he is obviously a child molester.

4. Kim Kardashian

Ok lady, who the fuck are you? Can somebody please tell me who or what a Kardashian is, and why, according to E!, I am supposed to be keeping up with them? I was told that she is famous because there is a film of her with some guys weener up her butt, but last time I checked, there are countless women that fall into this category, many of them probably with actual talents. I know a couple of sodomists who are exceptional poets, and one of them can even sing (granted all he knows is some song called "cum in my ass").

So why is Kim famous? The answer may sicken you even more than the thought of semen dribbling from a dirty artist butthole that I just put in your mind: She knows Paris Hilton. Yea, that's it. That's all. Knowing Paris Hilton and filming things entering your butt is all it takes to be a TV star right now. Isn't that incredible? Talk about a country where you can be all you can be. You used to actually have class and talent to be a success. Psshhh, fuck that, Grandpa! This is 2008! Throw a dick up that old ass and call your most famous celebutante friend! I have a great pitch for a show: we'll call it "Greeting Grandpa", and it will be about how famous you are for letting some other grandpa destory your ancient colon with his barely erect penis! It'll be huge!

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