Dance Movies Fucking Suck

I can't be the only person that is baffled by the sudden explosion of "street dancing movies". I don't know who, or where, or why, but somebody, somewhere, is actually paying to see these movies. Not only that, based on the fact that a new one comes out every day, somebody is actually enjoying them too! You can probably already tell that this will be leading into my trademark theory of dumbass sterilization.

I feel like the competitive and suspiciously gay world of underground street dancing cannot possibly have enough members in it's supremely embarrassing, really boring subculture to actually fund the constant production of these multi-million dollar features. This piece of speculative math has lead me to believe that more than 90% of the people that watch movies like "Step Up" and "Stomp the Yard" are actually non-dancing, really ignorant people that are wowed by the mysteriously cgi-esque dance moves.

Maybe I am the only person in the world that feels this way, but watching other people dance to rap is right next to "strangle my own parents" on my list of fun things to do. What's even worse than just the fact that somebody spends $40 on a movie with a script that revolves around people, literally, stomping on a fucking yard, is the fact that the poor yard has been stomped upwards of 30 times in the last couple years by all of the most pathetic wiggers and failed rappers that Hollywood could muster. Once in a while, you get a talented dancer in here or there, I guess, but I'm reluctant to say that it's ever really impressive when somebody is lifted and twirled by wires. As far as I'm concerned, I am the best dancer in the world, but you don't see me bragging about it (except for right now, but I'm proving a point).

You want to see some dancing that impresses me? This guy. This dude right here is about 250 times more entertaining than any single minute of "How She Move". (That movie should have been called "How She Speak Like an Idiot", by the way, and that is a movie I would have paid 10 dollars to see.)

That dude knows how to get down, and I know for a fact that if you took him to the mean streets of Baltimore (or wherever the cool kids get together and dance their way to teen pregnancy and drug addiction), he would fucking own everyone foolish enough to take him on. All of these fucking kids with their hats and their shoes, those little retards, they would pee in their pants and cry for mommy back in Calabasas if this old badass busted a move and then shouted in their face and shook them like a British nanny shakes an infant.

It's times like these that remind me why teachers were always so angry with kids in school, because kids dress like, look like, and generally are, pieces of shit. If my kid was ever a street dancer, I would want my teachers to have the legal ability to just absolutely beat the fucking shit out of him until he decided to be a doctor or an astronaut. I wish somebody had done the same for me. I would have probably been a child dentist by 16 and had enough money to be buying love by now. But instead I have to work for it like everyone else, and we all know how much fun that is...

And now, like I said in the beginning, any yard stomping discussion must inevitably lead to the topic of eugenics (sterilizing the unfit to breed). I think that anyone caught yard stomping, serving someone, how she move-ing, taking the lead, bustin it out, or just brining it on in general, should be drugged, brought to a warehouse, executed, and fed to the future yard stompers of America, hopefully inducing kuru and ending the problem where it starts.

That is the only way to truly end all of this madness. As we all learned in both "Footloose" and "Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights" (by the way, thanks a lot, assholes), dancing is in fact a medical condition. It brings on "the fever", sometimes called "the passion" of the dance, which is infectious, unless you are educated against it's dangers. The only cure is death or old age (and by the looks of Madonna and Paula Abdul, the fever may have become immune to this treatment).

I am starting a fund raiser to create a private school run by an uptight Baptist preacher with a horsewhip and a southern drawl, where any child caught dancing will be abused and forced to read the bible in it's entirety, because as history shows us, this is the only way to stop the madness, the stomping, and the fever.