Jesus and the Dinosaurs

It has come to my attention that it is theoretically possible that Jesus Christ, Son of God, was actually a rider and caretaker of dinosaurs. You heard me right. If this is even remotely possible, I don't understand why every scientific mind in the world is not devoted to studying it.

Here are some artifacts that I have found supporting this theory.



As demonstrated by this highly scientific depiction of Jesus galloping atop a raptor, we don't yet know for sure, if he rode dinosaurs, but according to the bible, or at least the this coloring book publisher, he probably did.And after all, when we're talking about the bible, isn't probably usually enough to mean "completely true"?



In this highly ridiculous painting that I have dated back to around 1100 BC, Jesus is shown not only riding what appears to be a ludicrously small brontosaurus, but also cradling what seems like an alligator. If you look at his left hand, you will notice that he is pointing to other Brontosaurs, perhaps giving this baby alligator a tour of the Jurassic world. Of course, as with any picture of dinosaurs, there are the ubiqutous pterodactyls flying overhead. It is also of note that the brontosaurus appears to be singing, perhaps due to the joy of being ridden by Jesus.



Yet another depiction of Jesus riding a dino, but what makes this one interesting is that he is also, for some reason, on his way to be crucified. As a child I remember hearing many accounts of Jesus's final hours, the stations of the cross, and the events that took place before his execution. Hell, I even saw "The Passion of the Christ", which god has told us is the most accurate depiction of the whole event. Yet for some reason I don't seem to remember there being a final Tyrannosaurus Rex in any of these accounts. I remember the last supper, I remember Jesus giving his first and last communion, but my memory seems to fail me when it comes to the last T. Rex ride.

That's why this is so important, if indeed Jesus Christ rode a dinosaur to his execution, then it was actually a lot easier that the 5 mile cross-hauling slog on foot depicted in the current version of the bible. Riding a T. Rex to one's own death is arguably one of the funner, more whimsical ways to die for man's sins. and I feel like the whole tone of the bible and maybe even religion in general could change if this were discovered to be the fact.




This one appears to be a renaissance painting of Jesus cradling a dino-child, which ironically enough seems to be giving us all a "fuck you" look because he is getting a Jesus hug and we are not. I'm not sure why, if Jesus cared so much about dinosaurs, he decided to extinct the living shit out of them, so to me this painting makes little sense. Add to that the fact that Jesus is not even riding this dinosaur, but instead you could almost say it's riding him (or in his arms at least). I believe this one to be a hoax. While there appears to be more and more evidence as time goes on that Jesus rode dinosaurs, there is still no evidence (except for this 15th century hoax) that he actually held them or comforted them in any way.

Also notice the pterodactyl and volcano eruption, without which we might not understand that this is prehistoric.

And now for the most interesting piece of evidence yet.



According to this picture, Jesus may actually have been a dinosaur. This also lends credence to the Reptoid theory, and while this is difficult to validate, we here at dirtlord.com are tempted to believe it anyways. It's a little something called faith, people.

Using modern technology, the input of a furry, and a conspiracy theorist, we have managed to create what we believe is an accurate picture of what Reptoid Jesus would look like naked (and squatting).



He died for your sins and mine, but he squats for himself.

Dance Movies Fucking Suck

I can't be the only person that is baffled by the sudden explosion of "street dancing movies". I don't know who, or where, or why, but somebody, somewhere, is actually paying to see these movies. Not only that, based on the fact that a new one comes out every day, somebody is actually enjoying them too! You can probably already tell that this will be leading into my trademark theory of dumbass sterilization.

I feel like the competitive and suspiciously gay world of underground street dancing cannot possibly have enough members in it's supremely embarrassing, really boring subculture to actually fund the constant production of these multi-million dollar features. This piece of speculative math has lead me to believe that more than 90% of the people that watch movies like "Step Up" and "Stomp the Yard" are actually non-dancing, really ignorant people that are wowed by the mysteriously cgi-esque dance moves.

Maybe I am the only person in the world that feels this way, but watching other people dance to rap is right next to "strangle my own parents" on my list of fun things to do. What's even worse than just the fact that somebody spends $40 on a movie with a script that revolves around people, literally, stomping on a fucking yard, is the fact that the poor yard has been stomped upwards of 30 times in the last couple years by all of the most pathetic wiggers and failed rappers that Hollywood could muster. Once in a while, you get a talented dancer in here or there, I guess, but I'm reluctant to say that it's ever really impressive when somebody is lifted and twirled by wires. As far as I'm concerned, I am the best dancer in the world, but you don't see me bragging about it (except for right now, but I'm proving a point).

You want to see some dancing that impresses me? This guy. This dude right here is about 250 times more entertaining than any single minute of "How She Move". (That movie should have been called "How She Speak Like an Idiot", by the way, and that is a movie I would have paid 10 dollars to see.)

That dude knows how to get down, and I know for a fact that if you took him to the mean streets of Baltimore (or wherever the cool kids get together and dance their way to teen pregnancy and drug addiction), he would fucking own everyone foolish enough to take him on. All of these fucking kids with their hats and their shoes, those little retards, they would pee in their pants and cry for mommy back in Calabasas if this old badass busted a move and then shouted in their face and shook them like a British nanny shakes an infant.

It's times like these that remind me why teachers were always so angry with kids in school, because kids dress like, look like, and generally are, pieces of shit. If my kid was ever a street dancer, I would want my teachers to have the legal ability to just absolutely beat the fucking shit out of him until he decided to be a doctor or an astronaut. I wish somebody had done the same for me. I would have probably been a child dentist by 16 and had enough money to be buying love by now. But instead I have to work for it like everyone else, and we all know how much fun that is...

And now, like I said in the beginning, any yard stomping discussion must inevitably lead to the topic of eugenics (sterilizing the unfit to breed). I think that anyone caught yard stomping, serving someone, how she move-ing, taking the lead, bustin it out, or just brining it on in general, should be drugged, brought to a warehouse, executed, and fed to the future yard stompers of America, hopefully inducing kuru and ending the problem where it starts.

That is the only way to truly end all of this madness. As we all learned in both "Footloose" and "Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights" (by the way, thanks a lot, assholes), dancing is in fact a medical condition. It brings on "the fever", sometimes called "the passion" of the dance, which is infectious, unless you are educated against it's dangers. The only cure is death or old age (and by the looks of Madonna and Paula Abdul, the fever may have become immune to this treatment).

I am starting a fund raiser to create a private school run by an uptight Baptist preacher with a horsewhip and a southern drawl, where any child caught dancing will be abused and forced to read the bible in it's entirety, because as history shows us, this is the only way to stop the madness, the stomping, and the fever.